Express News Service
Delhi-based 32-year-old Rachit Jain is a master of masking emotions. He seldom makes eye contact and any sort of physical embrace causes him agony. As an adolescent, he would often refuse support from anyone, including his parents, and maintained a stoic stance.
In his tender years, he was often subjected to insensitivity from his father, who abandoned the family to satiate his maddening need for success. This made Jain feel rejected. Over time he began to abhor any kind of intimacy. What rocked his boat was when his wife threatened separation two years ago, frustrated with his aloofness.
Caught in an emotional tug of war were two perfectly normal people in love, who were divided by a ruthless psychological phenomenon—avoidant attachment style. After 12 weeks of therapy, Jain and his wife are beginning to understand the underlying issues that caused Jain to act in hostile ways and to find a way through this complex maze of the human condition.
The attachment phenomenon
According to the Attachment Theory devised by psychologist John Bowlby, a template of how we behave (care, love and respond to life’s situations) in early years creates the blueprint of our responses in adult life. While there are four styles of attachment—secure, disorganised, anxious and avoidant—the last two are the most detrimental.
In an anxious style, people display neediness. They often have low self-esteem and even lower confidence. This could be a result of neglect or inconsistency in love by their parents. Death or divorce of the primary caregiver can also leave a traumatic imprint on the mind, manifesting as an insecure attachment style.
“While an anxiously attached person feels they’re not valued, those with avoidant personalities find the very idea of giving or receiving attention unnecessarily. The friction is inevitable,” says Mumbai-based relationship coach Shilpi Gupta.
Find the fix
Most people have some element of insecure attachment in their personality; the only difference is in their intensity. If you find yourself in the clutches of anxious or avoidant behaviours, here are
a few self-regulation strategies.
Anxious attachment
● Mindful distance from triggers: The first step is to become fully aware of what riles you up. Watch out for behavioural signs such as inconsistency in thought, word or action, temperamental unpredictability, withdrawal, getting distracted easily and reacting disproportionately to small issues. “Just by remembering to watch your triggers closely, you will reduce their intensity over time,” says Gupta.
● Tap it off: Anger is often a byproduct of an anxiously attached person; therefore, you want to try and manage it before it takes control over you. “For this, try tapping, an emotional freedom technique, wherein you tap on the meridian points of the body while repeating positive affirmations to release stress. Remember to do this a few times every day to clear up energy blockages. Having said that, tapping may not work when you’re violently angry. The idea is to keep distressing so that extreme emotions don’t build up,” says Delhi-based psychologist Sujtha Mukherjee.
● Focus to refocus: People with anxious personalities gravitate easily towards negative thinking. If this is you, try and move from negativity to neutrality first, instead of negativity to positivity, which may not be realistic in the beginning. “Neutrality is a non-judgemental stance. It doesn’t box emotions into right or wrong, but encourages you to simply accept what is,” says Mukherjee.
Avoidant attachment
● Make space: Since personal space is extremely important, you want to go slow while creating small pockets of time for your loved ones and social engagements. Doing so will be less threatening than trying to be available all the time. It will help you stay connected without feeling stifled. Having said that, it’s alright to enjoy certain activities by yourself, but make the non-negotiables clear to family and loved ones beforehand.
● Avoid avoidance: Panic-related avoidant behaviour, characteristic of this personality type, is rooted in fear of a negative consequence. Avoidance is nothing but a preemptive response to something that threatens your security so you want to understand the basis of your fear, either by reflecting on it or by seeking professional help.
● Vulnerability is empowering: Even though some of your childhood memories may be scary, embracing vulnerability can be a balm for them. Pain lies in resisting uncomfortable emotions. Accepting vulnerability helps you shed that burden. At the end of the day, there is no absolute in matters of attachment styles, and therefore, there is no set template for cancelling it out. But by identifying your attachment triggers, you can replace them with positive reinforcements.
In his tender years, he was often subjected to insensitivity from his father, who abandoned the family to satiate his maddening need for success. This made Jain feel rejected. Over time he began to abhor any kind of intimacy. What rocked his boat was when his wife threatened separation two years ago, frustrated with his aloofness.
Caught in an emotional tug of war were two perfectly normal people in love, who were divided by a ruthless psychological phenomenon—avoidant attachment style. After 12 weeks of therapy, Jain and his wife are beginning to understand the underlying issues that caused Jain to act in hostile ways and to find a way through this complex maze of the human condition.
The attachment phenomenon
According to the Attachment Theory devised by psychologist John Bowlby, a template of how we behave (care, love and respond to life’s situations) in early years creates the blueprint of our responses in adult life. While there are four styles of attachment—secure, disorganised, anxious and avoidant—the last two are the most detrimental.
In an anxious style, people display neediness. They often have low self-esteem and even lower confidence. This could be a result of neglect or inconsistency in love by their parents. Death or divorce of the primary caregiver can also leave a traumatic imprint on the mind, manifesting as an insecure attachment style.
“While an anxiously attached person feels they’re not valued, those with avoidant personalities find the very idea of giving or receiving attention unnecessarily. The friction is inevitable,” says Mumbai-based relationship coach Shilpi Gupta.
Find the fix
Most people have some element of insecure attachment in their personality; the only difference is in their intensity. If you find yourself in the clutches of anxious or avoidant behaviours, here are
a few self-regulation strategies.
Anxious attachment
● Mindful distance from triggers: The first step is to become fully aware of what riles you up. Watch out for behavioural signs such as inconsistency in thought, word or action, temperamental unpredictability, withdrawal, getting distracted easily and reacting disproportionately to small issues. “Just by remembering to watch your triggers closely, you will reduce their intensity over time,” says Gupta.
● Tap it off: Anger is often a byproduct of an anxiously attached person; therefore, you want to try and manage it before it takes control over you. “For this, try tapping, an emotional freedom technique, wherein you tap on the meridian points of the body while repeating positive affirmations to release stress. Remember to do this a few times every day to clear up energy blockages. Having said that, tapping may not work when you’re violently angry. The idea is to keep distressing so that extreme emotions don’t build up,” says Delhi-based psychologist Sujtha Mukherjee.
● Focus to refocus: People with anxious personalities gravitate easily towards negative thinking. If this is you, try and move from negativity to neutrality first, instead of negativity to positivity, which may not be realistic in the beginning. “Neutrality is a non-judgemental stance. It doesn’t box emotions into right or wrong, but encourages you to simply accept what is,” says Mukherjee.
Avoidant attachment
● Make space: Since personal space is extremely important, you want to go slow while creating small pockets of time for your loved ones and social engagements. Doing so will be less threatening than trying to be available all the time. It will help you stay connected without feeling stifled. Having said that, it’s alright to enjoy certain activities by yourself, but make the non-negotiables clear to family and loved ones beforehand.
● Avoid avoidance: Panic-related avoidant behaviour, characteristic of this personality type, is rooted in fear of a negative consequence. Avoidance is nothing but a preemptive response to something that threatens your security so you want to understand the basis of your fear, either by reflecting on it or by seeking professional help.
● Vulnerability is empowering: Even though some of your childhood memories may be scary, embracing vulnerability can be a balm for them. Pain lies in resisting uncomfortable emotions. Accepting vulnerability helps you shed that burden. At the end of the day, there is no absolute in matters of attachment styles, and therefore, there is no set template for cancelling it out. But by identifying your attachment triggers, you can replace them with positive reinforcements.